Dear Girl at the Mall,

I regret to inform you that you have no butt. This is not an exaggeration. Your four-inch skirt (and man, am I being generous there) never revealed anything but legs when you and your boyfriend swaggered in front of my mother and me, which is absolute proof that you were born without a rear end. I guess that explains why your boyfriend didn't seem all that excited by your trying-so-hard-to-be-sultry ensemble. Too bad. In other news, I'd like to borrow that skirt from you at some point. I think it'd make a fantastic belt.

Yours truly,
Rachelskirts