You know Sassy and Salem and Garfield and Fluffy
Felix and Catbert and Heathcliff and Scratchy
But do you recall
The most famous kitten of all?

Mr. Kittypants, the bow-mouthed kitten
Had a very funny mouth
And if you ever saw it
You would want to send it south

All of the other kittens
Used to laugh and call him names
They wouldn't let Mr. Kittypants
Join in any catnip games

Then one fuzzy Christmas Eve
Rachelskirts came to say,
Mr. Kittypants with your mouth so weird
Won't you try to grow a beard?

Then all the kittens licked him
As they purred and meowed with glee
Mr. Kittypants, the bow-mouthed kitten
You'll go down in history!

When I am queen, I will drive some sort of fancy automobile that will shout back at crazy ladies who yell "SLOW DOWN!" while waving their arms frantically in the middle of the street.

What will it shout?

1. Rachel is driving the speed limit, you loon!
2. Standing in the middle of the street is a really dumb way to send any message other than "hit me!"
3. Yelling at strangers is a really dumb way to send any message other than "I am a loon!"

This lovely ride of mine will obviously find a concise and witty way to say that, too, so I don't sound quite so much like a scolded child throwing a tantrum.

Man, the future is going to be great.

The rest of the office is enjoying a lunch break. I'm too cold to move. I have a string of white Christmas lights on my lap entirely for the warmth, but that does little to bring feeling back to my fingertips. Save me, Han.