From birth, fingernail clippers are sensitive creatures. They arrive in stocking stuffers on Christmas morning, disguised as riders in black. Each family member receives a pair, which he or she uses for maintenance purposes after several hours of opening wrapped gifts. After this initial bonding ritual, the clippers are left on bedroom floors to be stepped on while the new toys and goodies receive days and weeks of praise and adoration. Feeling neglected and unloved, the fingernail clippers inch their way toward the suitcases in the basement, their absence undetected until the arrival of Señor Hangnail. When this villain appears, the family members cry out in distress. But the fingernail clippers refuse to return. Instead, they burrow deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains, stashing themselves in secret pockets of your carry-on luggage, waiting to jump into the loving hands of the airport security guard, who then whisks the orphaned instruments away to safety, tucking them into their little matchstick box beds and singing them to sleep. Meanwhile, you are labeled a disturber of the peace and are sentenced to two hangnails a month for eleventy-one years. Fool of a Took.

Note: While watching Lord of the Rings is a proven distraction from hangnails for some, side effects may include crazy blog entries, spontaneous quoting, and an overwhelming desire to kiss Frodo Baggins. Please consult your doctor before trying this at home. It is probably safer to just buy another pair of fingernail clippers.