When I am queen, the following items will be banned from existence:

• One-ply toilet paper
• Pants with words written across the butt
• Cigarettes
• Comic Sans, the font
• Alarm clocks

I know the third one could possibly make me unpopular, but trust me that it's for your own good. If you want to shorten your lifespan and smell like poop, I'll arrange for a meeting with Jack Bauer and his toilet.