So long, 2008. And to some degree, good riddance.

I really can't say too many bad things about a year that included yetis, avenging my childhood by downloading and watching The Phantom Tollbooth, my Sim-tastic marriage to Frodo Baggins, and the discovery of wwujd.com (What Would Uncle Jesse Do?) all in the first month. Then again, you broke my heart by failing to bring me together with 2007's Panera Kyle or this year's Cute Tuesday Boy.

I'm too lazy to flip through the rest of the archives to remember what else happened, so let's skip to the performance review. Now, I gave you some pretty clear instructions, and I'd like to know what exactly was so difficult to understand about Rule #3. A lot of my friends had fairly terrible years, losing jobs and dealing with miscarriages and suffering from severe illnesses and grieving the loss of loved ones. I don't really mind so much that you gave me a Hell Week—I think I'm getting used to them now—but I do need to give you a b'massive scolding for beating up my friends and family so badly. You are so totally getting put on the naughty list for that. In fact, you're also on time-out, so go find a corner and be quiet for the rest of eternity.

Anyway, thanks for the job and the education and the fish and the sock monkey and the friends and the family and even the make-out sessions, but I think you could've tried a little harder to rock my socks off, 2008. Hopefully, 2009 will learn from your mistakes.

Much love (but not really),
Rachelskirts

I will probably always learn lessons the hard way. I am extremely stubborn and proud, so it is often difficult to get through to me by just saying, "Umm, Rachel, that sounds like a dumb idea." I try to avoid dumb ideas altogether, but as a human, I tend to gravitate toward them like Hungryskirts to Double Stuf Oreos. (If you also follow my Tumblr blog, then yes, I am on a very big Oreo kick right now and am probably gaining ten pounds a minute as we speak so please shut up about it and my run-on sentence.)

That said, I learned quite a few good lessons this week, many of them the hard way. First, never tell people that you cried while watching Elf with your family. These people will mock you until you cry again, and then they will mock you some more. (I'm looking at you, Ryan.) Second, making fun of someone whose wisdom teeth just got pulled is not as easy as it sounds. Once you run out of chipmunk material, there aren't many other places to go. I suppose that explains why oral surgeons don't dabble in stand-up on the weekends. Third, Timmy Venture will not clean his own fish bowl, no matter how many times I threaten to take away his fake plant friend. And last but not least, do not start a list without knowing where it is going because you often end up going out on a lame note and looking like a dolt.

SuperSanko, my little brother, is having surgery tomorrow to remove his wisdom teeth. I suffered through the same process four years ago, so I thought I'd share some sisterly advice:

1. Wendy's has the best ice cubes. They are crescent-shaped and fit nicely inside your cheeks. I don't know what fart machine Taco Bell uses to produce their ice turds, but don't even go there. You'll be extremely disappointed in the taste, texture, and shape.
2. Make sure you pass out before they start asking any embarrassing questions. I was fortunate in that they asked me what school I was attending at the time and how to spell the name. L-e-T-o-u-r-n-e-a-u. I slurred my way through the first five hundred vowels and then crashed. I have no memory of what happened after that; I just woke up in another room with some teeth and possibly a kidney missing.
3. Wendy's scores another point here for the invention of the Frosty. That mofo is a great thing to have around when your mouth is too sore to open.
4. That applesauce has been sitting in the cupboard since 1994, but you'll be desperate enough to think about eating it. Don't.

I'm sure I'm missing a few tips, but the important stuff to remember is: love Wendy's, watch a lot of TV, and completely take advantage of the parents and their kindness for as long as possible. Good luck, little brother!