There is ample reason to celebrate on September 2. For one thing, my best friend is still alive on his 26th birthday. He comes back from Iraq in three weeks. If I'm super sneaky, I might get to see him before he returns in December. These things make me smile.

But the real holiday here is National Beheading Day. As my chocolate Easter bunny can tell you, I am a big fan of decapitation. When I am queen, heads will roll. Can't learn to spell "definitely"? Beheaded! Chew with your mouth open as you talk through a movie? Beheaded! Unable to pinpoint Australia on a world map? Beheaded! Refuse to pull up your gosh damn pants? Beheaded! And pantsed!

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited by all of this. However, as I am not yet queen, I shall be content to bite the heads off of my Teddy Grahams, whose only fault is to be delicious. Mmm.

He told me to a write a "lymerick."
His spelling of which, it made me sick.
And yet here I go,
Attempting to show
That, once in a while, my wit is quick.

Found on a Post-It note in my bedroom today:

I want the onomatopoeia "pew-pew!" to be in my obituary. Or maybe I just wanted to write "onomatopoeia." Twice.