Many moons ago, I was playing Zelda on my little Game Boy Advance. I was creating my second character, and I decided that he should have a funny name. (Everyone chooses "Link" at least once, and it just gets old after that.) I chose "Pants." Nothing seemed funnier to me than someone running around shouting pretentious dialogue at a man named Pants. Just trust me that it's awesome.

Anyway, that refueled my love affair with using "-pants" as a suffix in nicknames. At some point, I called my friend "Danielpants." I became Rachelskirts, and you know the story from there.

In order to save this past weekend from becoming a major snoozefest (my computer was being reformatted! oh noez!), I whipped out Ye Olde N64 and dusted off "Zelda: Ocarina of Time." Great things ensued.

I first started with "Kenny," actually. I die a lot, so it made sense to pay homage to South Park's Kenny in this way. Then, because things weren't awesome enough, a "..ladies" file was born.

Now, let me just say that the Great Deku Tree always scares the poop out of me anyway because there are spiders around every single corner. GROSS. But not as gross as this.

About five minutes into the Great Deku Tree, I handed over the controls to my brother, who is less squeamish around made-up spiders than I am. I am better suited to a game like Mario Kart, which involves zero skill but still offers the chance to laugh maniacally when your opponent loses every single time.

That's right, Juan Pedro. YOU LOSE, SUCKER!

Seriously, though. Don't ask me how he came in 6th place.