We have two sizes of drinking glasses at my house. I'm normally extremely loyal to the tall, skinny glasses, since they hold more liquid. I don't know if I'm so thirsty because I'm too lazy to eat, or if I'm so lazy because I'm so dehydrated. Regardless, we can all agree that the fewer trips needed for refills, the better.

But tonight, I went to pour the remainder of the New Year's Eve sparkling white grape juice into a glass. Only a pitiful amount was left, and I knew it would look even more pathetic in a tall glass. So in a bold move, I chose to fill a short, squatty glass with the remainder of the juice, trying to avoid the "is this half full or half empty?" conversation with the cat sitting on my foot.

I distracted myself by staring into the liquid, at which point I noticed that the majority of its "sparkle" had gone the way of 2008. However, the remaining fizz still allowed me to pretend that I was drinking a classy, alcoholic beverage instead of a glorified kindergarten staple. (If I'm being honest, that's one of my favorite parts of sparkling white grape juice and the main reason I chugged it straight from the bottle through most of 2007.) While I was thinking of alcohol, I noticed that the short, squatty glass in my hand could be mistaken for a very distant cousin of a traditional whiskey glass. I mean, one would probably have to be relatively smashed to make such a mistake, but there's still a chance that it could happen.

All this to say, I have spent the entire evening drinking apple juice from a short, squatty glass (oh my gosh, could I find another word for "glass" yet?) and pretending to be relaxed and charming because of it. Please tell me you did something cooler with your Saturday night.

My Dear 2009,

You already smell so fresh and promising, like clean sheets and autumn breezes and other things often found in laundry commercials. We've started off nicely, with an organized closet and clean clothes and a shower and shaved legs (in the middle of winter!) and healthy foods. On the other hand, I sense that this dreamy romance of ours could be rather short-lived, since unpleasant circumstances and responsibilities are piling up at work and school. I am skeptical, 2009. I have been burned before, and I'd rather not have that happen again.

That said, let's get around to laying down the ground rules. Play close attention, or you too will end up in eternal time-out.

Rule #1: Since it seems that I can't get through a year without a Hell Week, let me once again limit the number of Hell Weeks allowed to one (1) per year. The tradition is that these things occur some time in the Spring, but I beg of you not to throw anything nasty at me during finals, mmk? I'd like to graduate before I'm forty, so I can't risk failing my exams because of your poor timing on the Hell Week thing.

Rule #2: Again, consider it one of your main goals to rock my socks off. I finally organized my sock drawer last week, so you can even rock matching pairs of socks from my feet. Sounds fun, huh? Well, trust me, it is. Let's get started on this part right away.

Rule #3: Take care of my friends and family. 2008 received a grade of EPIC FAIL on this rule, and I will cut you if you follow that same path. There are some really nifty people in my life, both online and off, and I have no desire to see them cry. Pirates are no good at comforting people in distress or at curing cancer, so just play nice.

Last year, I had the crazy goals of blogging daily and exercising daily. I failed at both, but I did blog more in 2008 than in any other year. (Maybe. I didn't actually verify that. Just pretend.) So in 2009, I'd like to commit to blogging and exercising three to five times per week. That seems reasonable, and it will hopefully help me to feel guilty less often. Pirates are no good at feeling guilty.

Anyway, 2009, you have your rules. Obey them, and I will give you a pot of gold, a kiss on the mouth, and a partridge in a pear tree. (Pirates are definitely good at kissing.)

God bless, my sweet 2009, and best wishes to all who will be enduring it with me.

Happy New Year!

So long, 2008. And to some degree, good riddance.

I really can't say too many bad things about a year that included yetis, avenging my childhood by downloading and watching The Phantom Tollbooth, my Sim-tastic marriage to Frodo Baggins, and the discovery of wwujd.com (What Would Uncle Jesse Do?) all in the first month. Then again, you broke my heart by failing to bring me together with 2007's Panera Kyle or this year's Cute Tuesday Boy.

I'm too lazy to flip through the rest of the archives to remember what else happened, so let's skip to the performance review. Now, I gave you some pretty clear instructions, and I'd like to know what exactly was so difficult to understand about Rule #3. A lot of my friends had fairly terrible years, losing jobs and dealing with miscarriages and suffering from severe illnesses and grieving the loss of loved ones. I don't really mind so much that you gave me a Hell Week — I think I'm getting used to them now — but I do need to give you a b'massive scolding for beating up my friends and family so badly. You are so totally getting put on the naughty list for that. In fact, you're also on time-out, so go find a corner and be quiet for the rest of eternity.

Anyway, thanks for the job and the education and the fish and the sock monkey and the friends and the family and even the make-out sessions, but I think you could've tried a little harder to rock my socks off, 2008. Hopefully, 2009 will learn from your mistakes.

Much love (but not really),
Rachelskirts

I will probably always learn lessons the hard way. I am extremely stubborn and proud, so it is often difficult to get through to me by just saying, "Umm, Rachel, that sounds like a dumb idea." I try to avoid dumb ideas altogether, but as a human, I tend to gravitate toward them like Hungryskirts to Double Stuf Oreos. (If you also follow my Tumblr blog, then yes, I am on a very big Oreo kick right now and am probably gaining ten pounds a minute as we speak so please shut up about it and my run-on sentence.)

That said, I learned quite a few good lessons this week, many of them the hard way. First, never tell people that you cried while watching Elf with your family. These people will mock you until you cry again, and then they will mock you some more. (I'm looking at you, Ryan.) Second, making fun of someone whose wisdom teeth just got pulled is not as easy as it sounds. Once you run out of chipmunk material, there aren't many other places to go. I suppose that explains why oral surgeons don't dabble in stand-up on the weekends. Third, Timmy Venture will not clean his own fish bowl, no matter how many times I threaten to take away his fake plant friend. And last but not least, do not start a list without knowing where it is going because you often end up going out on a lame note and looking like a dolt.

SuperSanko, my little brother, is having surgery tomorrow to remove his wisdom teeth. I suffered through the same process four years ago, so I thought I'd share some sisterly advice:

1. Wendy's has the best ice cubes. They are crescent-shaped and fit nicely inside your cheeks. I don't know what fart machine Taco Bell uses to produce their ice turds, but don't even go there. You'll be extremely disappointed in the taste, texture, and shape.
2. Make sure you pass out before they start asking any embarrassing questions. I was fortunate in that they asked me what school I was attending at the time and how to spell the name. L-e-T-o-u-r-n-e-a-u. I slurred my way through the first five hundred vowels and then crashed. I have no memory of what happened after that; I just woke up in another room with some teeth and possibly a kidney missing.
3. Wendy's scores another point here for the invention of the Frosty. That mofo is a great thing to have around when your mouth is too sore to open.
4. That applesauce has been sitting in the cupboard since 1994, but you'll be desperate enough to think about eating it. Don't.

I'm sure I'm missing a few tips, but the important stuff to remember is: love Wendy's, watch a lot of TV, and completely take advantage of the parents and their kindness for as long as possible. Good luck, little brother!